Writing 101 Day 3: One Word Prompts…
We are supposed to pick one…
When the Day 3 assignment arrived, I was neck deep in a creative writing project. I call it that, because it was something that turned out to be really amazing and cool. But really it is a love letter. I opted to follow through with the creative project, and pushed aside the writing assignment.
When I went back later to check out what the assignment was about, all of the words kind of fit to what I had written in some way. Clowns don’t do funny things, we do things funny. So, Dear Readers, I ask you to pick one of these words when you are finished reading my post today.
I asked my room mate if I should blog this, I already knew the answer, but I wanted her validation on the whole thing first. I love my room mate! She said i should be performing it on the rooftops.
If you are not comfortable with sexualy explicit language, or adult situations, then please don’t read this. This is not the blog you are looking for *waving my hand in front of your face* Move along.
Now, if you are going to be an adult, and want to see what all the hub bub is about, just follow the instructions.
I created a play list first. Each song title is a chapter title. Right click and open each song in a new tab so you can read along with the music. The read time is based on my own reading speed to be as long as the song. If you finish reading before the song is over, do not skip ahead, finish listening to the song. If the song finishes before you do, then you can listen again or not, that’s up to you.
The important thing to remember is that each song is matched to each chapter.
This takes a minimum of 40 minutes to read.
Everything with you is brand new. I do not feel I have had anything, or anyone like you in my life before. I keep telling you that everything about you is different. Everything about us, you and me, we are so madly romantic. The type of story that should be told as fairy tale loves. From the first time we noticed each other, to this moment here, the path we walk now is hand in hand. The universe made our worlds collide in a very unique way, with the good grace to have impeccable timing. You and I, we are a perfect fit. We match even. I know in my heart of hearts, we belong together.
On that fateful morning, I was watching people flood the platform as I lurked in the shrinking shadows, that is when I saw your beautiful face and I was hooked immediately. The way you walked through the crowd on the train platform in the bright Los Angeles morning light. Slightly taller than most people standing around, you seemed to glide through the people with ease. Looking at you, it was easy to see you were an interesting guy. Mostly by the way your beard and hair was kept. I was guessing by your age and looks, you were slightly out of your element, but not so much so you were lost or confused. No, you walked across platform number 9 as if you owned the whole damned rail itself.
Tall, mysterious, more than likely not interested. Was what I was thinking. With my over-active imagination on overdrive, I ran a few thousand different scenarios through my brain about your personal background. Not really deciding on what was closest to the truth about who you were, you know, having fun in my brain killing time harmlessly. Perhaps some eclectic artist, or railroad tycoon, or jaded author, or one of those cry baby musicians. Please! Please! Please don’t be that musician type! PLEASE! I was screaming in my head.
As I write this, I have a much deeper understanding of the circumstances you were in, as well have been able to hear what you had to think about me on first glance. I can see how naturally a few things have played out. I look back when we met in Salinas, California: Stuck in limbo, not being allowed onto the platform. You walked up to my area of the train and asked something smarmy to the occasion. I have no idea what you said, really. All I heard when I saw that beautiful face of yours was “Blah blahb lahbity blahblah?” I am certain I had a clever retort, I usually do. Then there were four of us suddenly idly chit chatting, waiting to step outside the train for a “fresh air” break.
Once we arrived at the platform in Salinas, you had easily opened up several people with your charm and had conversation flowing between them. How you introduced yourself was so clever. With a story for a cigarette. How clever and mysterious, and tall… I was stoked that you were including me, the weird chick, in the conversation. Needless to say, I was already completely enamored with you. When the conversation turned to what we all “Do for a living,” I was hesitant to tell you. I am always reluctant to throw out the whole Clown thing. Often it is met with some repulsion, and sadly a beautiful encounter is missed because of irrational fear. After the initial look of shock left your face, you said “A Clown, Interesting, Tell me more!”
Did he actually ask me to tell him more about Clowning? And then we were called back onto the train. “Do you want to meet in the Lounge car say at 900?” You asked. I am not sure if that was the actual time, now. I was so excited that I was going to be able to talk to someone instead of be utterly bored for a while. The prospect of spending more time with you other than on a fresh air break elevated my mood considerably.
Tall Funny, still mysterious, and mildly interested! I was now giggling to myself. You have to understand: I knew this much about men, if I can get them away from the heard, I can attack. So to the lounge I went. Escaping the seat mate I was being forced to sit with. Armed with a cellphone and some writing paper, I knew that I would at least have someone to talk to, and more over someone to talk about later.
Easy conversation filled our night. We talked about so much, mostly the incidents of the day and how it was affecting all of the passengers on the train. We laughed at each other’s jokes. Sadly I cannot remember a syllable we uttered at the moment. I could only see your beautiful face smiling at me, and making merry.
To me, you had this overflow of good nature. As if you could in no way contain the awesomeness inside you. You have this aura of good will, not many people can see it, but most can feel it radiate from you, and can’t help but to smile when you are around them. Total strangers would greet you as if you were coming to their Christmas dinner. It was so much fun watching you interact with other passengers, and even better to see you come back to me and our conversation.
As the evening progressed, we talked like excited school children on the first day of school. Ultimately curious about one another. This was all so strange to me, this man, who introduced himself to me organically was still talking, still smiling, and still flirting with me. In my head a tempest was raging: Wait, is he flirting, or is he just blowing smoke up my ass? I wonder if he is going to give me his phone number at the end of this. If he does get my number, I bet I can get him to have sex with me. Dang I wish I could lay down!
We were so engrossed with each other, we did not notice the time slip past us in the night. We didn’t seem to notice that we had already been talking for five hours. We didn’t notice that the passengers around us were starting to cover up and nod off. We didn’t notice that the day had ended and a new one was just fresh on us.
Me being the reclusive introvert I am, was still in shock that I had actually met someone in real life as opposed to the internet. Someone who walked up to me on a train and started talking to me. So alien, so foreign to me. Meeting someone organically rarely happens to me. Yet here you were. Sitting with me, plotting to find a set of empty seats for us to take over so we could eventually cuddle and fall asleep.
I was so thrown off my game by you at that point. You had started leaning in closer, so I followed suit. Now you were within close enough proximity I could smell you. That is when the game changed. Now you know about my hyper-olfactory. Now you have an inkling on my super power of smell! But when we met, you were oblivious to it.
Having this super sniffer of mine, I can smell people from yards away. Especially if they have had too much exposure to household cleaning aromas. Or too much deodorizing hygiene products. It is all very offensive to me. You had just a hint of your cologne or deodorant left on you. Not enough to be offensive to me. More importantly, your chemical makeup had over powered the feeble attempts your deodorant or cologne was making.
You didn’t smell bad to me. You smelled like… yummy. I would find reasons to have to lean in towards you to smell you more. It was at this time, you had made the next obvious move, and started touching my hands, and holding them in yours. I noticed immediately several things: I noticed that when you touched my skin, my body reacted to you. I noticed that my skin immediately wanted more touching. My body began reacting in a more carnal fashion. I noticed too, how much you needed to touch.
At this point in our conversation, I could tell that you were one of the most generous, kindest men I had ever had the pleasure to stain for an evening. I could easily tell you wanted affection, and needed to be covered in kisses. I waited though. Just in case you were just placating me, and simply wanted a train ride cuddle buddy.
When we moved to a more convenient seating assignment for ourselves, we sat closer and clutched to each other for comfort and warmth. You had started putting your arm around my neck and began bringing me closer to you more often. I did not resist. You smelled so good to me, and every time I touched you, I just wanted more!
Once you started holding my hand, I could feel the energy between us. I could sense that there was a huge thing that needed to be explored here. I could feel that you were being highly receptive to my advances. So I started doing that thing I was notorious for in college. I started, what I thought was, subtlety touching you with my tits and thighs. I would brush them against your body any way and chance I could. To me, this game was fun to watch men’s reactions. So many always figured it was an accident, when in reality, I am a huge pervert that likes to make men blush. You, though, took it in stride.
Every passing moment you were getting better and better. Nothing has changed at all. You proved to be exactly what I had originally considered. You shared everything you had with me. Your time, your space, your food, your smile… You were turning into something I really wanted to keep. Someone worthy of my time and efforts. Someone who wouldn’t send me a dick pic and say “how do you like that?” and expect me to fawn over it.
I started fantasizing about you, yet tried to stay focused on the present. It was not easy. I was letting my imagination have its way with you in the best ways. In my brain we were in a complicated ball room dance. Not necessarily a good one, just dancing close, holding each other, enjoying the movement of dance with one another. I fantasized about what you looked like naked, then really tried to not start groping you. I didn’t know how receptive you would have been to that kind of attention.
The fantasies were not helping my mental state, especially when we kept mentioning how cool it would be if one of us had a sleeper car. So we could be naked and lay down to stretch out. Really for me, that part was not about sex, I really wanted to be comfortable. However, I knew if I could get you into a position of privacy, and naked, I could probably talk you into having sex with me. Again, I tried to stop thinking like that, but you smelled so good.
I know at one point we were aghast at how late it was, or should I say how early in the morning it was. We both were drifting off in mid conversation. How sweet it was too, to just talk until the body just stops. We agreed to try to get as comfortable as possible, and see if we could sleep at all. Which we did. I slept better that night, than I had the previous 3 weeks.
As I reflect back on it now, I think we probably looked so sweet as we slept clinging to each other. Each time we shifter, it was more and more comfortable, until finally we shifted, and you were my giant body pillow. I faded into blissful slumber. Your body warm and comforting, your smell was intoxicating. Your presence was greatly appreciated. I felt a comfort with you that had been missing from my life for a long time.
When the sun was rising, and we both started waking up, we said our good mornings. One of them most amazing good mornings I have ever gotten. And that’s when you did it. You got up and said, I will be right back, and kissed my third eye.
Kissing the third eye is something that is rarely done lightly. Kissing the third eye is one of the most important kisses between two lovers. It is something that should be done more between more people, sadly, it is not, especially to me. So when your lips touched my third eye, I was shocked. In a good way. It was like a nuclear explosion in my soul. You made a sweet gesture, that was so monumental, so big, and you did it innocently without ill intent. It was that innocent act that set something really big in motion.
That kiss, I do consider our first kiss because of the intent behind it, as well as the timing of it. You seemed to be so in tune with me already. I knew that you were going to be in my life longer than the remainder of the train ride. I knew that I needed to make an effort to keep this rapport going, but without turning into a complete nutter. As you may know now, that is not the easiest thing for me to adhere to.
The morning was sunny, and you did your best to save me from its flaring rays. You sacrificed sitting in all the sunny spots around me so I would not suffer. We stuck very close to each other now. It was borderline gross. Our new train friends were not oblivious to our affections to one another. It was easy to see that we had grown fond of each other throughout the night.
So many things became unimportant to me. I had lost interest in my phone, and all of its temptations. I was not hungry. I did not want to leave your side. I wanted more of you than what was socially acceptable. I resorted to touching you as much as I could without bringing an avalanche of attention on the both of us. I wanted you so badly. I wanted to hide away with you and do naughty things with you. This is where age comes into play, in my 47 and a half years, I have finally learned to be patient to a point. I was so willing to be patient with you. And when I say patient, I wanted to play doctor with you!
I was amazed at our comfort level with each other. You made it so easy for me to relax and be me. I was hoping it was reciprocal as well. I wanted you to feel like I did. At ease with the situation and the company. Happy to be spending time with an interesting person. Well, people as the case was. We did have a few people in our growing entourage.
As the hours ticked away, and we got closer and closer to Portland, I was feeling the anxiety of leaving you. It was already a harsh sting of reality. I was not going to be able to talk to you after I got off the train. I wanted to keep talking. I wanted to keep learning about you. It was a lot for me to process.
The day went by agonizingly slow. As much as we were enjoying each other’s company, we all wanted to be at our destinations already. The delay on the train was a frustrating one, but we had no choice of that not happening. It seemed to me we were savoring our last few moments together hours before the end of my ride.
When we arrived at Portland Grand Union Station, the Fresh Air Crew all stepped off to say our good byes and have a smoke together, and the obligatory number exchange. I could have cared less about the others, I just wanted you. I did not get enough time with you yet, so my good bye to you was bitter sweet.
It would be nearly two weeks before I saw you again. I wanted to come visit you the following weekend, but it was impossible to get away from Portland that weekend. We had to wait for Hempfest weekend.
Those two weeks, we had limited phone contact, and a few texts back and forth for clarification. I could feel the excitement coming from you. A cool wanton anxiety you were not exactly used to and not freely willing to admit to. For me, I was a bag of electric nerves. Nothing was going to calm me down until I was with you.
That Friday night, you welcomed me and Lori into your home. You fed us unusual tacos, and listened to cool music. You drank the wine I brought, and proceeded to maintain your drunk. After Lori had a full tummy, and was satisfied that you weren’t going to murder me in my sleep, she went back to her hotel room, and left us alone.
You made me wait. You said. “Let’s talk for a while first.” I was so tired. I had been awake since 5 Friday morning, and it was approaching midnight when Lori left. I wanted to be naked and reclining. But you made me wait for it. You poured us some more wine, and we talked and talked. Somehow, I got through to you how exhausted I was, and we finally went into your room.
Watching you undress was the most beautiful thing I had ever witnessed in my life. The excitement I felt as you were more and more perfect for me. With every item shed from your body, the more excited I got. You are an absolute vision. You are more than worthy of laying with this goddess. My skin was crawling with anticipation of finally being able to be touching yours.
The following hot make out session and sex is kind of a blur to me. I just knew upon kissing you that I never wanted to stop.
I knew that when you were inside me it was the most perfect fit ever. You were again proving to be a perfect match for me. The way your felt inside of me, the way you moved to meet my body. As if we had been lovers forever already. Our rhythm is the base of all things extraordinary.
What we did that night I would not consider fucking. No, I was pouring my soul into yours. I was already falling madly for you. I don’t know if I was still hoping that this was just another one of my wild infatuations with a guy. I wanted you like nothing I had ever experienced before.
The way you fit, the way you kissed me, the way you touched me. It was all so tender and gentile. You were in no rush at all. I never wanted this pleasure to end. I wanted it to go all night long. I kept waiting for you to tell me that you were spent, but you kept going. You even said that you could go again. I scoffed of course, having heard that so many times before. But this time, it wasn’t a boastful lie. It was the truth! You can go all night. My heart soared!
I wanted your arms around me, your lips touching mine, your cock deep inside me. I wanted more than you will ever know. Well, at least at that moment in time, you had no idea how much I wanted to have my carnal ways with you. You remained hard as a rock for me all night, and into the morning. The sleep I lost that night I may never get back. But then again, I am quite content to have lost that sleep with you.
I had never met a man that could keep up with me sexually before. Here you were, everything I look for in a guy, you have. Then on top of it all, you can fuck for hours and hours and hours. This is a love affair I am not going to let go of easily. This is something that I don’t ever want to be without again.
Where your hands caressed is scorched into my physical memory. How you need to touch is so beautiful. You NEED it. It isn’t a want. It is a need. And you place that need so very high on the partner scale. It is something you will not compromise on. One of the most exquisite factors is the lack of intimacy I have in my life. I have had nearly no quality intimacy in years, and you were covering me in it. Not only touching me with your hands, but touching me with your body. As if we did not have enough skin for each other. We needed to be close, we needed to be touching forever more.
You took me on your Saturday morning routine, and showed me your Seattle. You kept the theme of sharing your everything with me all weekend. We were awake and moving around the outside world, we checked out the Hempfest, and laughed about what a joke it was, we held hands in public, we talked, we kissed, we ate, and we made life livable again, even if it was just for the weekend. All darkness had fled my heart. Once again I had a growing hope that I found someone on the planet who was unknowingly making me feel like this. Then, want nothing in return from me other than a smile. Walking and talking with you quickly became a close second and third in my book of Really Awesome Things in Life.
That Saturday night, you made the spiciest tacos in the history of man. Or so it seemed. As delicious as they were, you damaged my taste buds, to this day they are still not the same. I did keep you drunk on my wine, in retrospect, I should have issued a little more self-control on that. But whatever. We had so much fun, the wine was just hanging out with us like a goofy friend. At least it wasn’t Jim Beam and Johnny Walker. Plus, I did consider it contributing to the house.
The all-day/all-night sex sessions, the amazing food, the amount of compassion and empathy that poured out of you. I know you were trying to keep a distance between us. A feeble attempt at that. A notion that would be eventually crushed out for good. Admittedly, I was trying to do the same. But you are cruel and ruthless; your barrage of awesomeness was relentless. Your entire being was crying out to be with me. Just as mine was screaming the same thing back at you.
That Saturday night was one of ultimate decadent pleasure. I took from you like a selfish hog best exactly what I wanted. I needed to feel you deep inside me. I still do. I needed to taste you, and feel you in my mouth. I still do. I had to have you in every way you would possibly let me have you. I still do. Truth be told, vanilla is my favorite flavor ice cream, it can always be added to for more fun.
We made love. Plain and simple. We made love until we collapsed in each other’s arms, sleeping with a deep contentment. I watched you sleep from time to time. I would open my eyes to see if you still existed, or if this was some cruel dream. I hate dreaming, when I sleep I want my brain to take a break, it performs on overdrive when I am awake, when I am sleeping I want to rest.. If it was a dream, I never wanted to wake up again. Keep me in blissful slumber until our hearts stop beating. I was where I wanted to be. The best place on the planet: in your arms.
Sunday Morning you would not wake up for Hempfest. You were still irritated that it was a glorified head shop/swap meet. The amount of skeezy stoners, I am sure was too much. I do wish you had joined us. When we came back to your apartment, you were still crashed out from drinking so much wine. I cleaned myself up for the ride home, stopping to kiss on you from time to time, hoping it would wake you. In a sense it did. We talked in short sentences while you slept. Each time you woke up, you were slightly more coherent. I had to leave you while you were sleeping. Lori wanted to get home. I kissed on you, and held you, and kept from crying. Good byes are always hard. I was glad you were asleep, it made leaving easier.
The next week and a half were agonizing. We had opened up a door that would not be closed now. We seemed to have tasted the delights of one another, and needed more. I would text you, you would call me, then say I will call you back in five minutes. Which I quickly learned that your idea of five minutes was slightly skewed. Every time I would give up on you ever calling me back, you would call. Every time! As if you heard me say “Fuck you Marlin!” and your response would be a cheerful phone call full of innuendos and flirtatious tones.
Then there was your request of me to send you the trashiest pictures I have to you. As you know, it started off innocently enough with pictures of actual trash. All I wanted was pictures back of your beautiful face. And we began the Great Photo Swap. Tit for tat is how we phrased it.
I was losing interest in other men. No one is capable of making me feel the way I do when I am with you. At this point I am still trying to keep you on a superficial level. Still thinking that this could very well be one of those idle crushes I get on men, then have my way with, then discard. With every conversation, I wanted more and more of you. I then planted the seed for you to come to Portland. Of course I also wanted you to send more pictures!
At first you would giggle at it, and say “Oh Darlin’, I wish I could.” But I could tell it was something you really did wish could happen. You kept insisting how flawed you are, and how you didn’t want to talk about it. Instead, I kept telling you to come to Portland, plus send more pictures. Especially when you would start talking about the amazing sex we had during Hempfest weekend.
I managed to have a great photo shoot that week, and started sending you the trashiest pictures I have ever taken of myself. With every picture, I would chant to it Come to Portland! What these pictures started was an overflow of phone sex. As fun as it was though, it was not enough. We were both so utterly horrible at it, but managed to finish the deed.
The pictures I sent, which now some have become your all-time favorites, were a rich enticement. Wanting you had made me cross a line I had never crossed before. You had an effect on me. Every time you say my name my pussy twitches. Every time you touch me, my body melts. I had to have more of you. And you rotting in Seattle was not getting that done. The chant “Come to Portland!” punctuated every conversation we had, and the “I wish I could.” started to turn to “Let me see what I can do.” It became a siren song you said.
We talked about sex a lot, again, trying to keep it on that kind of level. We talked about life, and past lives, we discussed everything, but mostly sex. We both agreed we did not get enough time together the weekend before. The siren song sang louder with each passing day. The frequency of our conversations picked up, and the topics were always of great interest. Again, mostly of sex.
Toward the end of the week, we approached the subject of BDSM. On the train, I was under the assumption that you were just a private man, and were just placating David as he went on and on about the Master Slave relationship, and how freeing it was to live that lifestyle. Little did I know it was an alien concept to you all together.
You called it a Siren Song. “Come To Portland” With the added enticement of experiencing something new, the urgency to come to Portland was stronger. Now you were saying,“ I am working on it!” It wasn’t until I promised you that you would return to Seattle a changed man. You said “tell me to come to Portland.” As you stroked yourself off. The sound of your bringing yourself to climax was so delicious. The timbre of your voice as you came. So beautiful. Although I had not enjoyed phone sex in the past, with you it was different. With you it was not expected. It just happened. It was such a natural flow, I had no qualms about having phone sex with you. As bad as it was in the beginning, it was still very titillating.
On that Saturday morning, you said “Tell me to come to Portland one more time.” On my end of the phone I grinned, thinking you were such a tease, and I should be so lucky to have you come down and spend some time with me. So I did tell you, and you agreed, yes, you will be on the next available bus to Portland. My heart nearly exploded. “I will call you back when I have all the details.”
Soon later you called with your arrival time, and called it another bad decision. Which, in a sense, I knew was true. But not the kind of bad decision that would ruin a life. I was to meet you at the Bolt bus stop downtown. I got there minutes before you did, and started wandering around looking at stuff. When you called me and said you were here, it all started to become real. This wasn’t someone pranking me, this wasn’t some jerk blowing smoke up my ass, you were really here.
Remember how I walked up behind another hot tall guy? That was pure comedy! I stood there looking at the back of his head thinking, that your head didn’t look right, then I heard you call me out “Wrong guy Lia!” That’s when that other dude turned around and laughed at me, and said “Wrong cute guy on the corner, my wife does that all the time too.”
I was so happy to see you. Now with no beard to get in the way of your even more beautiful face. I couldn’t stop and tell you at that moment how amazed I was at your beautiful beautiful face. The kind of good looks that can hold a girls attention for a long long time. Tall, mysterious, handsome as fuck! I wanted to take you into a dark alley or corner somewhere and just fuck you silly there, but patience was something I needed to hold onto, until I got you back to my place.
Lori was away that weekend, she had gone away for her birthday. It was just you and I here in the house. I wanted so badly to tear into you. But you made us wait. You made us digest the meager food we ate before we got down to brass tax. In my head I had you already naked and hard, kissing me from head to toe, stopping at all the fun bits and goodies to nibble and tickle.
I kept focus on the naughty activities were about to partake in. I didn’t want to lose focus. We sat and talked for a while, and after about an hour, I got sick of waiting. I decided that something had to be done to motivate you into my bedroom. The only way I knew I could get you to follow me back was to start taking off my clothes. Oh how I would have loved to hear what was going on inside your head at that moment. I imagined that stripping while walking to my room would be a temptation enough to shut you up and follow suit!
My spur of the moment plan worked, you had a smarmy question that made me turn and smile at you as I continued to take off my clothes and walk to my bedroom. I wanted you so badly. I needed to have you, and I could not wait any longer. We both knew that the sex we were about to have was going to be epic. The sex we have is so good. So perfect, because you have the perfect penis. It fits so well inside me, and touches that spot that keeps me wetter than an otter’s pocket.
Your kisses, your passionate kisses. I will never get enough. I always want more. You kiss with the mood of the moment. There are times where your kisses are so tender and quick. And there are the kisses where you want your mouth violated by my tongue. How can I express how fucking amazing it is to kiss you? I don’t think the proper words exist to explain what happens within my heart and soul when we kiss. Every single one is a precious gift that I will forever cherish. I am starting a whole collection of your kisses, I plan on keeping them under glass to keep them from being stolen by anyone else.
Let’s take those kisses, and also let’s take that perfect cock of yours, and include both of them together… YAY ORAL SEX! Having you fuck my face was one of the better decisions we made all week! When you are tickling my tonsils, you say the most incredible things. I should say, the way you say the simplest things is the hugest turn on. The quick intake of air, and the guttural “Oh my god!” that escapes your lips. Talk about a siren song. I crave to hear you reach that level of passion. I love knowing that these are the best blow jobs of your life.
We were not wrong about the sex. It was everything we knew it was going to be. This was indeed epic, because it was more than just sex. I had at that point crossed over having a crush on you, to something more mature.
Our time together in my bedroom, we were in our own universe of existence. Nothing mattered to me outside this house. All I had ever wanted was here with me now. Holding me, kissing me, making love to me, fucking me silly, and making me feel alive. Reminding me that life is far too short to not feel good, life does continue, and happiness is there for the taking.
You still had walls built up. As I tried climbing into those secret places, you put up such resistance. I was not taking no for an answer from you anymore. As much as I didn’t want you to be everything, you were. Oh, believe me, I did fight wanting you. Every time you didn’t call back, every time you cut the calls short, every time we hung up the phone. I didn’t want to like you more and more, you are just so damned perfect for me.
The night I got back to Portland, I had told someone else that I wasn’t ready for a relationship of any magnitude, and just wanted to be friends with him. He agreed, and knew I was going through some bizarre emotions. I was going to be content with life as it was. Then you appeared in my life, and everything changed. You fill a part of me that I didn’t realize was drained empty. You have awoken something in me that had never been given the opportunity to exist before. There was also this constant bear growling in the back of my head nagging me, “Chase this one! Don’t let up.”
You had said it a few times, that with every passing hour I was getting better and better. I felt the same was true with you. Visions of us together years from now started to float into my view. I saw us walking together hand in hand dressed warmly strolling next to a body of water. We are quietly discussing something of interest. What it is we are talking about I do not know. I just know that in this vision, we are together. We are happy. The vision is broken up by more epic sex, which at the end of, you had said the most awful thing ever to me, and my heart was crushed. I really tried to not let it bother me, but it did.
You advised me, nay, forbid me to fall in love with you. How could he say that? Why would he say that? Am I just not good enough for him? Is there really someone else, and he is just here for the sex? Why not fall in love? were just a few of the things flying through my cranium, while trying to keep my emotions in check. I was crushed. I had arrived at this door of possibility and was being told I could not enter. I came all this way to find this fucking door, and now I am being told to not go in! Here, Lia, here is a smorgasbord of delights, everything you always wanted along with a pony! Isn’t it awesome?!? Well, you can only peek! No touching anything, no taking anything. Not one morsel can you sample!
You had mentioned that you were going to have to go back to Seattle by Monday, Which came and went in a flash. Believing we were approaching good byes once again, to me it seemed that we had to cram in as much sex as possible. No pun intended.
We figured a decent departure time for you and you know how that went. I had to confront you about what you had said about not falling in love with you. I was still hurt by you saying it in the first place. The excuses you gave me were some of the lamest ones I have ever heard. Yes, lame! I do not validate anything that you had told me. It seemed to me like you were going the player route, and you were trying to push me away. I still do not accept your bull shit excuses, by the way.
When I said my good byes and left you at the Bolt bus stop. I was hoping that I would see you again soon. I was hoping that this wasn’t just another amazing weekend with an amazing guy that would amazingly not call me back. I resolved that I would just have to issue some patience, and have faith that you did not get enough of me again. Which of course was so very true. We had yet to fulfil some fantasies for one another.
I sat at my computer, looking at all of my blogging spaces, wondering where I was going to write about you. I needed to bear my soul, and let out a few choice words about romance and love and the prospects of them both. I sucked on my vape for a few minutes, and dug into a bowl of cereal. It was with a mouth full of whole grains when you called and I answered the phone. In the mirror on my shelves, I could see myself blush as I choked down the sweet crunchy goodness, you said that the Bolt bus was MIA. Come home was all I could think of saying. So you did. You came back to me. Came back to hold me, came back to touch me, came back to make love to me.
During the course of the evening, I let go of the notion that you were a flash in the pan relationship. I now wanted you in my life forever. Whether or not you wanted this love. I was not going to stop it as per your request. Instead, I made you cum harder, and want more. But as I have said before, you and I go beyond sex. We can have that bond out of the bedroom as well. When you finally broke down and told me so much, I wanted to hold you, comfort you. It made me want you in ways I didn’t think possible. My heart cried with you.
What our time together had done for me so far, was let me know that I was not alone. I had found a soul that could exist next to mine. The energy flow radiating from you compliments mine. The next time we are together, look at how people look at us. Try to see what they see about us. You will see two people who have effortlessly found what so many people desperately search for.
It is not something I am taking lightly at all. I want to be clear that complicating any one’s life is not my thing. I deplore unnecessary drama. I will not be party to it ever. I am also very practical about my emotional state. Yes, I am very vulnerable. I keep myself that way because there is no other way to be. To be in your life and be part of it is a miracle to me. I am aware that you feel that not falling in love is somehow better for us than just letting things happen naturally. Don’t be afraid, don’t deny us this chance at being together. I would rather fall in love with you, and lose you than lose you and not know that love at all.
After my life was flipped over last year, I had lost hope of ever meeting someone that could accept me for the freak that I am. I figured that I had lost the last chance I would have at happiness. It sucks to admit, but I had given up on love and hope all together. Depression was a constant reminder that I was alone, that I did not have someone who could hold me like I needed to be held. I was walking in a haze of life doubt.
I have thought about this for nights on end, I have not wanted anyone like this before. This is all so wonderful, as well as frightening and new to me. The more I know you the more I want to be here for you. I want to be the last voice you hear when you fall asleep. I want to be there when you are not 100%. I want to be the one to hold you when you are sad. I want to be the one you come to when you are mad at the world. I want to be the one you hold onto when you get overwhelmed. I want to be the one for you. I want to be the one you share your happiness with I want to be your everything.
I am a creature of passion. When I want something, I do everything in my power to get it. Sometimes it is a simple thing, sometimes not so simple. Where does that leave you? Where do you lie on this scale of simple to arduous? You happen to be on all parts of this spectrum. There are times when I can just smile at you, and I have your full attention. At these times you are attentive and open. You are mine for the taking. I enjoy that time with much adulation.
Hempfest weekend was the only time that I felt you were being more of a challenge. It appeared to me that you were slightly guarded, yet too curious to stop anything from going down. It is always that damned curiosity that gets me every time. The chase you give me is not one of displeasure. You are very much worth the effort.
From the day we met, I have had this feeling around you. You live such a prime example in life. As far as being a decent human being. You are funny, smart, receptive, open, witty, observant, kind, respectful, genuine, accepting, and curious just to list a few of your qualities. These are things that make humans really great. You got it. When basking in such glory, it makes me want to be a better person for you. How can I make myself better so Marlin is happier? I am not saying I exist to please you. I know that to be in that place to be able to accept the kind of love we can have, I have to be that much in love with who I am. What I am saying is; I see potential within myself because of you. That is huge.
I know in my heart of hearts, I can be myself 100% with you. There has never really been any kind of shroud between us. I know that you aren’t going to condemn me for dancing to my own beat. You will only nurture and support it. Just as I love seeing you be you. Flaws and all.
Yes, your flaws. People who are not flawed are the ones that are not perfect. Flawless people are boring. Flaws and imperfections make us unique in so many ways. Because we are flawed, we can see things from different angles, not to mention appreciate what life has to offer. From within our flaws we find perfection. Do not let ideas of a past life hold you back from enjoying life with me now. Don’t let fear of wanting to run away keep you from this wonderful woman. You obviously know that I am more than meets the eye. You know that I am far different than anyone you have ever met before. As well as worthy of your love.
I do want to love you madly. Where we are today is such a different place than pre-Hempfest weekend. From there to here I have come to stand up and kindly demand your attention. There are things I want to show you. Show you things you have never seen. Do things with you have never done. Take you places that you never knew existed. Even if you have done it all, seen it all, been everywhere, I still want to show you through my lens.
To say that life is short is an understatement. It is also delicate and precarious at best. We have been given this one time to make the most out of it. I will not let you slip past me quietly. I do not accept your request to not fall in love. You should have thought about that when you found out I was a Clown. Your next opportunity was to not cuddle with me all night long on the train. And if you really meant it, you would have never given me your phone number. So I do argue your request, because you didn’t need to respond to any of my texts, yet you did.
For all of those reasons, your request has been denied. It is on. I want you! I get that you “Don’t have your shit together!” Neither do I. But maybe, just maybe, together we can work something out. I rescind my previous comment, I believe in my heart of hearts that together you and I can conquer the world.
Resistance is futile. You should know this by now. I can’t promise that I will never get angry with you. Nor can I promise that I won’t make you want to hit me in the head with a brick. I can promise you that I will always be good for and to you. I will be honest with you. I will be loyal. I have the capacity to support decisions even if I do not agree with them. I will be a rock when necessary, or a sponge if that need arises. I say all of this with the faith in my heart that you would be exactly the same with me. Mutual respect is ever present with you. It isn’t something you discard when it comes to the ones you really care about.
I do not tread on this ice without care. I am a fragile treasure. I put on a show of a tough exterior, but I am a big softy. I have so much to offer. I do not let anything dictate whether I should fall in love or not. I let it happen because it is so amazing, and wonderful, and a bunch of other really cool words that mean the same thing.
When I say joy, I mean it in the very definition of true happiness. Joy is something that needs to be spread on thick in the world. I feel the joy when you laugh. It is akin to riding a roller coaster; like Batman at Magic Mountain! I will do just about anything to make you laugh. Anything to make you smile. Marlin! Be happy with me! That’s how I know this is so real. I know it because I want to hold you with the same intensity when you are crying as when you are laughing.
I fall in love easily. Because I allow it. It is something that makes life worth living. Finding someone who makes you feel like anything and everything is possible. It is hilarious when all the clichés clutter everything when in love. To me, colors are brighter and more fascinating. Less things bother me. Music has deeper meaning. Loss of appetite. Day dreamy afternoons. Sickening sweet doodles everywhere…
I am a fool. You should have known when I said I was a Clown.